Sunday, December 17, 2006

dear anonymous blog reader whom i do not know and will never meet,

here's the thing:
i don't really really trust you. because i don't really know you. this essentially comes down to a lack of faith in myself, but i am going to project a little for now, so humor me or find somewhere else to browse.
i have had a problem with writing about how i feel. truthfully writing. i'm not quite sure where it comes from. it is easy to ramble on about something. to get words down on a white screen and hit PUBLISH and feel like you are writing, but anyone can do that. i started doing this because i wanted to write and vent and purge and have cathartic release. well, whatever it is that i have been doing has failed to effect that result. i've been putting pictures in with the words as i take them. they are loosely associated with words if at all. more often than not, i am actually just happy to put the pictures up. the photos have an anonymous energy that is more effective than the words anyways. they are safe.
those who have ventured close to my heart have often told me that near to it lies an impenetrable box. some have used the word fortress, some have used the word chest, and someone told me it was a room with no doors that hides something that she so wished with all her heart that she could see.
i knew the whole time that i had a sense of what they were all talking about, but i was unable to define it then, just as i am unable to define it now.
heather sometimes scratches at my chest as she lies up next to me and whispers "let me in, let me in" if it is particularly conspicuous. all the while i feel as if i am laid open and bare to the whole world, and especially her.
this blog will never tell you who i am. it may reveal what i am thinking at a moment. it may show you a glimpse of my beliefs or how my mind works, but it will likely never define the box.
this is most likely because i keep it closed for a reason, whatever that reason may be. for the time, it seems, i keep it closed even to myself.
while i say that it is you that i don't trust, really it seems that it is myself whom i need to convince.
i don't really trust me, because i'm not really sure how much i know me right now

barcis

one third

i'm driving myself a little bit crazy today. i've got loads of things to do but the only thing i've been doing is breathing. i made a pizza earlier. it was beautiful, with asparagus, eggplant, peppers, and other assorted vegetables. quite enjoyable. i think i just needed a day to decompress. My folks have been visiting for the last week with my cousin Sara. it has been awesome to have them out here in our home. it's a funny thing when one moves out of the parental housing unit and into their own. granted, it happened to me a long time ago, but nonetheless, i still remark on it. the big day is when they finally visit and you find yourself going into the rooms and turning off lights after people leave. you catch yourself closing the front door when you find it wide open, and you laugh to yourself when you find the milk on the counter and you put it back in the fridge.
my dad said this day would come, but i still can't admit that i'm a grown up. i'm not yet. i still count my age in fractions... eight and a half... seventeen and five sixths... twenty nine and forty-seven fiftieths...
i figure no adult would count their age in fractions... so i'm safe.
what's the big idea anyways. it's not like i'm afraid of being old. i've got twice again as long to live as i already have... and i can barely remember the beginning of that. that's a long time.
with all of that time left i guess i just needed a little of it to myself.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

and she is gone

i was remiss in my failure to report that the era of gina is now behind us. heather and i were oh so very lucky to have had her stay with us for the last few months. we had set up a little room for her downstairs. not only would she cook fantastic culinary delights on demand, but she would also tidy up a bit around the house, as well as help the heather with her errands and chores. her pay was reasonable... room and board, as well as art supplies and the odd little travel adventure (amongst which i count sleeping in a soccer field for octoberfest in munich, three days in amsterdam, and one crazy halloween party)

overall, i think the arrangement suited all involved. she is a fantastic woman and she is most incredibly missed already.

we love you ginabug

rain

it's raining today. we are currently under a weather watch, with a warning of over 2 inches of rain within 12 hours. now, that's a lot of rain for here, but i'm not sure if i would qualify it at weather watch worthy. there doesn't seem to be a lot of wind or lightning associated with the perilous precipitation, just the threat of 0.166 inches of rain per hour for the next half day.

nonetheless, being the properly prepared person that i am, i decided to build a fire in our humble wood burning stove downstairs, in case the impending rain happened to knock out all the electricity in our house... as our circuit breaker has the tendency to pop off on it's own anyways. that way, if the electrical did happen to go out, we could still wake up in a nice and comfy little house in the morning.

so that's our evening. not particularly dangerous or exciting. we just sat down on the couch downstairs, heather made a egg-nogg and rum drink for herself and an egg-nogg and RUM drink for me, we put our feet up to the fire and listened to the rain for a little while.