Saturday, April 28, 2007

friendshippng

i think it is interesting how we informally choose who we wish to keep in our life as time passes. i was just thinking about that the other day. i have a good friend named kate. i met her in college. she was the roommate of a girl i was dating at the time. i don't talk to the ex-girlfriend at this time (she's the only one i have broken contact with but that's another story), but i still keep in contact with kate.

 

we were acquaintances in school; loose friends who traveled in different circles. we didn't hang out really very much at all, but we always got along when we bumped into each other in the santa cruz universe. i graduated, she graduated, and we went out separate ways.

 

one day, after driving up from southern california to the bay area for the sole purpose of breaking up with a different girlfriend in person, i was on my way back down south when, being rather upset, i pulled off the road in santa cruz with the intent of going to watch the sunset on the beach. i was a mess, mostly because i felt like a total asshole, but a mess nonetheless.

 

i got about halfway there, thought the idea silly for some reason and made a u-turn to head back to highway-1. as soon as i turned around, i saw the flash of a profile that looked like kate, but i didn't recognize the car. it was driving in the opposite direction. in an unconscious motion, i whipped my truck around and turned to follow. i wanted to see if it was kate. it HAD to be her, i could have sworn. in fact, i think i did swear:

 

'holy shit, i think that was kate.' of course i was alone in my car so no one heard me.

 

i followed the car about two miles as it drove down to the shoreline by the lighthouse and around to the north up to natural bridges state beach where the car pulled off at the edge of the sea. i pulled into the lot and parked and walked somewhat clumsily towards the car. the door opened and sure enough it was kate. she thought someone had been following her. obviously i never learned very good super-secret tailing techniques in stalker school.

 

it was SO good to see her. she had always had a wonderful ear and a patient heart and fantastic advice. in a way, she was the perfect person i could have ran into at that time. we talked for a few minutes, watched the sun set, and i asked if she was hungry and wanted to get something to eat. i felt like i had a ten pound sack of old wet tea bags to lift off my heart. we decided on pleasure point pizza and set off.

 

i was excited. life was giving me a friend to talk to exactly when i needed one. a trusted soul. she turned left, but i wanted to take the coast road around to the pizza place so i continued straight. when i got there she was no where to be seen. that was ok, i thought, i'll just get my pizza and grab a table.

 

10 minutes. no kate.

i was a little worried. maybe something happened. i realized i didn't get her cell phone number.

 

20 minutes. no kate.

now something was definitely wrong.

 

25 minutes with no kate i tried calling information to get her number. no luck. then suddenly i panicked with a realization, called information and asked the lady on the other end for the address of pleasure point pizza.

 

which location sir? i have one in pleasure point and one on mission street in santa cruz.

 

FUCK

 

i was fumbling with my keys in the ignition and trying not to drop the pizza slice on the floor as i sped out of the parking lot back towards santa cruz. it took me 10 minutes to get across town and i bounced into the parking lot.

 

no kate.

 

all i wanted was to sit down, have a beer, and a couple of slices of pizza and talk about life. i felt betrayed by the world. the next six hours on the road were absolutely miserable. an eternity of driving though a blurred world. i was already torn up over the breakup, but the fact that i was given the opportunity to spend some time with a beautiful soul and i mucked it up was actually a more painful loss.

 

i didn't get a hold of her until about a month later, when we figured out what had happened. we finally got to share a pizza over a year later, and we got our conversation about life and love and paths through the middle. now we still keep in touch... sporadically at times, but that's how it is with friends. it's always good to hear from her.

 

there is something magical about the people we choose to keep in our lives. the relationships might have old or thin or twisted roots; they may be based on chance and happenstance, but they are important nonetheless because somehow, on some level, we choose them... and they have chosen us.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

where would you rather be right now?

it's an interesting question. first of all, it implies that you would rather be somewhere else. while this may be true, it also infers that you find yourself in a less than desirable situation, which is not always the case when a person asks you this question. generally it all amounts to focusing on the bad parts of where you are and the good parts of where you aren't.

while it may not make sense to focus on the bad parts of where you aren't, although that might be helpful sometimes, it is generally more constructive to concentrate on the good things of where you are, as small and delicate as they may seem.

aside from the philosophical and chi-related ramifications of asking such a question, it is a good question that a friend asked me recently, albeit somewhat off-handedly.

my first answer was 'with friends and family.' that was fairly easy. that is most definitely where i am-not right now. while my parents, sister, and i may all have strong personalities that cause a modicum of tension when we are all together for an extended period of time, i love being around them. my parents have both been an example, whether they have wanted to be or not, in just about every aspect of my life. as has my sister. as has my cousin elijah. to different extents, they are people that i admire and wish to emulate. why wouldn't i want to be closer to them?

then there is my friends. heather, fairlight, kate, sage, micah, crystal, nick, jeff, angela, and rebecca, to name a few. they have always been there with a patient open ear and a couch if needed. they are my net, and i can only hope that i give the as much support as they give me. it is priceless, intangible, and ever appreciated.

which brings me to my second answer: california.

i haven't been there more than a few days at a time for years, but i still feel like i'm washing the sand of it's beaches out of my ears. i'm sure there is still a little bit of seawater hidden up in one of the upper reaches of my sinuses. it is in my blood, my lungs, and my soul.

when i walked away from california, i wasn't quite sure where the path would take me. i'm surprised where i have gone so far, but i truly wonder how many other places that path will lead me before i end up back there. i am a believer in the road less traveled. i am a believer in forging a path of your own, of creating a unique life and living it for all you're worth. the funny thing about constantly wandering off the path, in search of something unknown and intangible, is that you will never know where you are until you look back. even then, it could be a mystery. another thing about wandering without a map is that people tend to walk in circles. that's fine for me. as long as my circle ends up in california, and as long as i can fill my bag with experiences along the way.

my third answer was the darkroom.

this answer is more symbolic than anything. it represents a place in my life where i am consumed with creation. it represents a place where i have the freedom to spend my time working on images and symbols. it represents the place in me that the artist lives. it represents minimalism and focus. it represents purpose and drive. it represents personal love of expression.

my fourth answer was surfing. i would rather be surfing.




Hanalei

Saturday, April 14, 2007

deep space

some far out space shit

cosmic style with planetary type spinning gas masses and huge asteroid belts

heaps and heaps of nothing in a field of potential where particles
spontaneously exist and then are reabsorbed just as quickly...
with the deafening silence of solar systems sliding on massive ball
bearings in a synchronized dance of dizzyness...
where light moves so fast that it leaves a whisper of sound behind
like some sort of intergalactic skidmark...

that's what it's like in my head sometimes

only smaller

and with ears on both sides.

self portrait 20070401-01

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

storms

there are a thousand fingers on my rooftop drumming impatiently as the
air above shifts and cracks with the weight of the storm. the thin
metal walls of the trailer magnify each vibration and flex with each
wave of wind. thunder sounds suspiciously like mortar fire and heavy
machine guns in the distance, and all the air in my nose tingles with
ozone.

it recharges me at three in the morning. all i want to do is lay there
and listen, and hope it never fades away.

i remember the sound of the windows in the house that i grew up. i
remember how they would shake in their frames until i thought they
would break when the wind came off the ocean in a grey momentum that
would fold the palm trees over and tear their hair out. i remember
laying in bed, under the covers, and pressing my forehead against the
chilled glass and the rain outside blurred the world. i remember the
feeling of the panes shivering as i stared outward at the whitecaps
inside the breakwater. everything was middlegrey and angry. the air
itself had emotion and screamed.

even then, when i was six, and huddled under my covers with just my
head peeking out… even then, i never wanted it to end.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

inspiration and expiration

my soul is breathing

i can feel it expanding and contracting

with the shallow rhythm of someone who just ran too fast

 

it sweats a thin oil

that lines my stomach and ribcage

i can feel it sliding around

 

it is hot and flushed

with pink cheeks, blue eyes, and shaking hands on its knees

it wants to sit down

but there is no room

it already fills every corner of my being

Saturday, April 07, 2007

the power of the subconscious

i'm listening to The ORB.

 

or as my co-workers would refer to it: my california hippie noise. but they don't really know what they are talking about... to them, california = hippie. they think all californians do is surf, drink wine, eat granola, protest stuff, smoke pot, and go to raves.

 

we do other stuff... i'm sure... anyways...

 

i'm listening with my frankenphones... also known as the really-great-earphones-that-i-broke-and-was-sad-then-fixed-and-was-happy.

 

i'm happy today because, once again, i broke my headphones and then i fixed them. actually, i broke them yesterday at the gym. my headphones were hanging out of my shirt as i talked to a buddy of mine at the bench press. it is polite gym etiquette to remove one's earphones when talking to someone so i had taken them from my ears. somehow, when i laid down on the bench and started exercising my relatively less-than-massive chest, my frankenphones worked their way over my sternum, directly under the barbell that was loaded with the less-than-impressive weight. when i lowered the weight to my chest and heard a pop, i wasn't too concerned. i often hear pops and cracks associated with belabored movements. it wasn't until after when my buddy reached down and picked up the insulted audio accessory that i realized what had happened.

 

but have no fear dear reader. i had some experience with this particular malady and i knew just what to do. for only two dollars i acquired a handy dandy applicator full of super glue and a roll of scotch tape. using my ever useful leatherman pliers and a wooden coffee stir stick, i managed to reattach and splint the beloved frankenphones back to a operable condition. it only took a slight drilling motion with a miniature screwdriver to break through the thin veil of glue that i, once again, managed to seal across the entire tube.

 

VOILA! auditory perfection once again, and this time with only a modicum of anxiety.

 

the subconscious effects of this event, however, would not become apparent until late that night, when deep asleep...

 

the dream began as a fairly innocuous one. i was sitting in a chair listening to my headphones, when suddenly i could feel something was wrong with my right earphone. i couldn't hear any music, although i could still feel it in my ear. when i reached up to my ear, i realized that the ear flange had broken off inside my ear.

 

at first i didn't panic. in fact, i laughed. it seemed pretty absurd to lose a earpiece inside your ear. i tried to grasp it with my fingertips, but to my astonishment it slid farther in. now i started getting a little nervous... out came my leatherman with it's ever useful pliers. i reached in my ear with pliers trying to gripthe end of the flange, but with each poke i felt it sliding slightly farther in, until finally it fell into my head.

 

the sound it made was similar to what you would hear if you pushed a cork into an empty wine bottle.

 

now i was more than nervous, but it simultaneously occurred to me that i was sticking something in my ear that was SMALLER THAN MY ELBOW! nevermind that i had just pushed a small plastic and rubber piece into my head... i was sticking pliers into my ear. luckily i happened to have a suitably large (elbow sized) pair of pliers close at hand and i tilted my head to one side and tried to grab hold of the flange with them instead.

 

now imagine, if you will, a person trying to remove the cork from inside the wine bottle with a pair of pliers the size of bolt cutters.

 

that was me. jumping up and down with my head tilted right in a frenzied swimmers ear hop with a massive pair of pliers stuck to my ear. meanwhile the little piece of jetsam was bouncing around inside like a pachinko ball.

 

never underestimate the power of the subconcious my friends.

 

and don't run with scissors

 

i'm now going to find some granola and practice my killer glowstick moves.

 

peace out

Friday, April 06, 2007

sometimes i swear

i cussed a few times today.

i'm not proud of it, but it felt good just the same.

why is that? what is it about expletives that seem to vent stress? i wonder if it really does, because usually the stress and the anxiety is still there when the steam clears.

it's like a dog barking... no, hear me out... what exactly is a dog saying when he barks? maybe that he's scared, or threatened, or happy, or that he feels neglected... but that is all in the intonation... the actual 'woof' is...well... nonsense. it's a sound.

when i yell out an expletive, it is my inner person barking. it tells the people around me how i'm feeling. it isn't the word itself, but whether my tail is between my legs, or if my ears are laying flat against my head, or if the hair of my neck is standing up, that determines what i am saying.

just like a bark there is usually a hard consonant or glottal stop at the end of expletives.

sometimes it is just hard to say what you want to say and a bark just works better.

ask your dog, he knows what i mean.

Obscuration

Thursday, April 05, 2007

green

i think i'm going to miss my plants. i was never really a plant person before i met heather, but for some reason ever since then i have found that i have a bond with my photosynthetic friends. perhaps it goes back to my hierarchy of living, and i'm ready to progress to my next step, but that will remain to be seen.

 

i started by germinating two apple seeds, planting them, and growing them into small trees on my bedroom windowsill. i germinated three avocado seeds and gave the resulting plants to my sister and parents. i gave the apple trees to heather's parents when i left arizona. i would have brought them along but our new home was too far away.

 

in the last two and a half years, we have collected a veritable garden within the walls of our home. most of the plants were homeless, and we rescued them when their parents shipped off to other parts of the world. a few of them were bought in local nurseries. all of them are loved and appreciated.

 

since i've been gone on business, heather has been looking after our little green children in my place. usually i'm the one who talks to them and checks in on them. i'll be back to check on them soon enough, but what i'm thinking about is down the road. this winter the wind will blow out of the east and i'll be torn from europe towards my next home. i don't know where that will be, but i know that none of the plants can come.

 

it saddens me to think of finding homes for them all. i want to make a little journal with the secrets of watering, and which plants like to be in the bathroom, and which ones like the kitchen, and which ones like to look out the window. elijah is one of the window lookers. we named her after a marvelously magical individual that we both love and cherish. her full name is actually ubertreeelijah, but informally we just call her elijah.

 

i suppose there just comes a day when you have to realize your little greenies are all grown up and don't need you anymore. i just look forward to spending time with them before that day comes.

Monday, April 02, 2007

memory is fantastic... for example: i can close my eyes and see this...

fresh pasta

i can smell the subtleties. i can remember what the wine tasted like. i remember it was a warm night in venice, among friends. i remember laying my head down on the table to take the picture and heather's beautiful face magically appeared.

it's beautiful i tell you.