appetite

i ate seven hundred and fifty five of them today... in handfuls.

sometimes i eat macaroni and cheese in that fashion almost swallowing without chewing, and i chide myself... for one should chew. i've been trying to chew more lately, but somewhere along the path i started a habit of inhaling, like a jet engine inlet... more of a rush to fill an area of low pressure within me.

sometimes it sweeps in bugs and pebbles... at the worst, small children and mammals.

today there was apparently quite an area of low pressure, because i inhaled seven hundred and fifty five pages... two books...

in one sitting... well, not one sitting exactly.

i got up a few times to pee and once i had to leave the house for 20 minutes to walk down the street, since i'm out of food, but then i was back to the inhaling.

which books? i thought you might ask... over christmas my revered and beautifully amazing cousin elijah presented me with the dark materials trilogy by phillip pullman. i read the golden compass on the flight over the pacific, but then i hadn't yet touched the second book until this morning... when i awoke, turned on the lamp, and reached for it next to my bed without even adjusting the pillow.

i constantly hunger for a good series, and i'm always a little sad when i come to the end. i wish perhaps that i had chewed a little more.

but it isn't really a conscious choice, is it? because once the images start flowing in your mind and the words blur off the page into faces and landscape, the story itself choses the pace.

here is a photo that i took on the flight from frankfurt to L.A.

i share it because it is of the ice floes east of greenland, north of the arctic circle. the sun is on the horizon at noon because we are so far north. i had wondered if the route would take us north of the sun. i sat by the window and watched in wonder for hours as we drove from the sun until it fell to the horizion and seemingly grappled with the earth with every color in it's power to regain it's footing... which it did, slowly and surely.

a four hour sunset followed by a four hour sunrise.

it reminded me of the landscape of the book, in the beginning, in the north. in the land of Iorek Byrnison and beautiful lights.

it's no wonder i couldn't slow to chew.

2008

something for the new year:

for one, my resolution. everyone makes resolutions. even if you don't sit down and hold up a drink on new years eve and say, 'this year i resolve to...', you still make them.

my resolution this year is a new one. it encompasses many different facets of my life. it was suggested to me by a close friend and i have chosen to take it up as my own..

this year i resolve to reduce drag... to live a low drag life.

by that i mean that i want to reduce things that stick out in my life. i want to lay aside those things that weigh me down: if there are dishes, they will be cleaned instead of just laid on the counter. if there is laundry, it will be washed often. if there is clutter, it will be tidied. if there is a lack of energy, i will go to the gym. if there is something on my plate, it will be taken care of early, instead of being steeped in the guilty stress of procrastination. if something needs to be done, i will do it.

in addition, this means that i will not play games. scrabble and parcheesi, yes... social political games no. i will be clear in what i want, so that i do not confuse myself by striving for what someone else wants for me just because it seems like it would keep doors open. i will focus on the path that is mine and not be apologetic. i will own it. i will live out of purpose instead of fear. i will live in action instead of reaction.

if i was an arrow, and i was to find my target and pierce it... i would have to point at it. i would have to shut out distractions. i would have to calm my breathing. i would have to steady my pulse. i would have to extend my very point out across space to the place where i wished to be... before i ever even left the string of the bow.

i will strive to live freely in a streamlined and conscious manner.

i resolve to live a low drag life.

*whoosh*

rootless

it is a pretty good description of how i've felt lately, and for many reasons.

for one, i've been essentially living out of a suitcase since the 5th of december... it is the 17th of january now people... and i have another week from today until i'll be able to move into my new home.

since 1995, when i graduated from high school, i have moved 18 times. that is an average of one move every 36 weeks. while most of those moves have been back and forth between northern california and southern california (or colorado) during school, a great deal of them have been to overseas... switzerland, italy, korea... and a great deal of them have been in the south... georgia, alabama, texas.

one could say that i have fostered a lifestyle of mobility, and one would think that i'd have it down by now. perhaps all of my furniture is collapsable, or better yet, inflatable. or perhaps i don't own any, preferring the sparse interior design of an art gallery. but no...

i have tons of shit.

heaps. veritable boatloads... perhaps a small boat, but a boat nonetheless.

i have drawers full of projects to be completed. i have tools for every opportunity. i have every type of art supply. i have boxes of pictures to be scanned and restored. i have boxes of books i have read. i have rooms full of furniture that totally doesn't go with anything else i have.

and this is AFTER the great purge... the great burning... where i tried to minimize my clutter and streamline my possessions. i sold the recliner couch and the oversized armchairs with matching ottomen... (ottomen? ottomans?). i put things in storage. i gave things away.

molto. that's italian for 'a lot.'

i have molto.

soon i will move into my dorm room. that will help. i will unpack my bags. i will set up my computer. i will turn on some music. perhaps some little roots will form.