Sunday, April 27, 2008

wanderer

so i'm beginning to wonder...

what does it say about me that i usually spend a lot of time thinking about where i'll be going next?... besides the fact that i move often. i'm sensing a bit of overall restlessness in my lifestyle. it is a strange contradiction that a job with so much security might leave so much open to chance.

does the fact that i focus so much on where i'll be 8 months from now mean that i'm somehow not experiencing the present? am i living in the future? and if so, is that a bad thing? or does it crush my instinctive, seat-of-the-pants approach to life? or does it exacerbate it.

so many questions. all i know is that i spend a lot of time waiting for things to happen, instead of making them happen. i just hope i'm not solidifying a lifetimes worth of patterns here.

i suppose we shall see.

inspiration

comes from breathing in.

it comes from opening your lungs and filling yourself. it comes from the tingling in your skin and the pulse in your stomach. it runs through your tearducts and leaps our across your cheeks. it comes from the stretch of your muscles and the way you lean forward into your being, leveraging your strength with your bones.

you have to take that energy inside you and you need to release it. you need to focus that breath and concentrate on it's form. you need to decide if it is going to be warm and soft or cold and directed. you have to share it. you have to risk something. you have to put a piece of yourself in every breath. you have to invest yourself.

for what good is breathing in, if you never breathe out again?

i can't wait for a chance. i can't wait to exhale. i have to make the conscious decision to make it happen everyday.

maybe this blog is my small way of doing this. maybe it is a place to focus my breath from time to time... perhaps it is a surrogate form... a shell to carry the air for a while. i'm not sure if it is enough, but at least it reminds me of what i want and what i need.

i don't really have a good reason why i write here. there is no message. there is no intended audience. there isn't really any focus... mostly it's just a way of talking out loud... and tossing a little bit of myself out into the world.

freshman

Friday, April 25, 2008

drinking and devising

ah time for the drunken free write... oh so dangerous:

one never knows what one may reveal after a long week at work and a six pack of beers topped off with a white russian of the upmost caliber... if you don't know, i make a MEAN white russian... they taste more like vanilla ice cream than any sort of beverage. you should be so lucky as to taste one.

tonight was group movie night... unofficially... we watched 3:10 to Yuma, which is an interesting western... it left me feeling more for the 'villian' than for the main character... which is a little disappointing. it actually makes me rethink who the protagonist is in the first place.... more storytime and back plot is given to the 'good' guy, but the denoument seems to hinge more on the 'villian,' so there is a little bit of conflict there.

last night we watched Superbad... which was entertaining in it's own right... a little bit offensive perhaps, but entertaining nonetheless... definitely reminiscent of the shallowness and disconnectedness of high school.

a lot of people liked high school... they think of it as their wonder years... they have fond memories and continue to identify with their social status as it was formed in grade 9.

personally, i thought high school sucked. ever since i was a freshman, i couldn't wait to get to college. really i didn't care where that college was, as long as there were dorm pranks, since that is the 'college experience' that was introduced to me in freshman english by a substitute teacher, who thought that college was truly the time for a person to come into their own....

in the end... he was right... it was glorious.

wow... if any of that makes any sense... it is the result of pure luck.

peace

Thursday, April 24, 2008

haiku for you

a haiku dedicated to all of those who have spent too much time at work:


twas dark when i left
and fourteen hours later
dark when i returned

here is another one for your haiku-lovin:

eyelids are heavy
sacks of rice in outstretched hands
beginning to fall

why not one more... we're on a roll:

white kitchen trash can
you reek of wednesday chicken
it's only thursday


thank you... thank you... you're too kind...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

kool-aid: here's to drinking it

i find that in my profession (working for the man) there is often a feeling that one needs to forever strive to achieve a certain level that otherwise floats above the average person's head. not everyone will make it to that level, but they are expected to want that final goal just like everyone else. woe to the person who makes it known that they could care less about achieving that order of status, for they shall be smitten and cast aside in the 'lesser jobs.'

in layman's terms: drink the kool-aid... or else.

well, i don't know about you, but i don't really like the taste of kool-aid... it's too sugary... and it turns my lips pink. i'd rather have water, or tea, or coffee, or a beer... mmmmmmm... beer.

apparently though, kool-aid is the generally accepted and government endorsed beverage of choice.

MOST of the time, this isn't a factor... the kool-aid gets passed around and you smile and offer your cup, and after big brother passes on, you make a grand gesture with one hand as you fling the kool-aid behind you with the other.... for the most part, this is highly successful.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE though, big brother hands you a cup of kool-aid and waits for you to drink it right in front of him. these are the moments i fear. they are the moments when i wonder if my smile is faltering. when i wish i could control that insidious twitch in my left eye. when i hope i don't gag, or worse yet, vomit my kool-aid in a high arch for all to see.

lately though, i wonder if i shouldn't just look someone in the eye and tell the truth... 'no, i'm not interested in your silly kool-aid... that's great that you love it so much, but it's not for me... i prefer (insert favorite beverage here).'

but in the meantime, i don't... i drink it... i smile... i ask for another glass please and i lick my lips and rub my tummy and say, 'gee, isn't that the best kool-aid EVER! EVERYONE should want some.'

it is the little things like these, these little facades, that frustrate me... and somewhere deep inside of me, i wish i could just blow it off and say, 'hell if i care.'

the overall most confusing thing is.... i'm not sure if i don't.

meet jack

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

long absence

i suppose it's been a while.

i've had an ebb and flow of creative energy lately... more ebb than flow... mainly i just haven't felt like writing. i've been using my time doing other things after i get home from work... mostly listening to music and cooking, i suppose. i've lately achieved a sort of locally esteemed status as one-who-cooks-really-good food.

actually, i am proud to say that in the last month or so, i've managed to create a sort of informal salon environment. i framed a bunch of art and hung it on the walls... a few photos of my own, a few paintings and prints from friends, and a couple of prints by jordan crane. ('below the dark water,' 'light for dark,' and 'alone with the world')

then i started mixing drinks... informally at first. white russians, bloody mary's (for those saturday mornings), screwdrivers, and some delicious concoctions involving vodka, OJ, and mango juice. strangely enough, people started to gather. we would hang out. we would watch movies. we would shoot the shit.

and then eventually, the hunger would kick in and out would come the banana pancakes, and the stir fry, and the steaks, and the pizza, and the late-night spaghetti, and the breakfast burritos.

rinse lather repeat.

as time passed, my repertoire grew into a veritable menu.

however, by saying that i have become renown for my cooking ability, i fail to put the situation in the proper perspective... for there are not a whole lot of people who actually cook food in this building... mostly people heat things to a palatable temperature. the fact that i have a shelf full of spices, the fact that i have tomato paste and yeast in my refrigerator door, and the fact that i cut an avocado in its peel are about as much qualification as one needs to differentiate one's self as a 'cook.'

so what else have i been doin?

You can't turn it down

well, take last weekend for example: friday was a evening of festivities, starting around 7 and ending around 1am. there was much drunken buffoonery and social imbibing.

Bait n Vato

the next morning was a social breakfast... which meant that i opened my door, started cooking, and people walked in and ate. i made breakfast burritos with onions, asparagus, peppers, eggs, sundried tomatoes, black beans, extra-sharp cheddar, and avocados...

i wish i had taken a picture, but alas the only memory is in the lining of my stomach... they were pretty sexy burritos, if one can freely use such an adjective in that context.

afterwards we all put our walking shoes on and set out for a waterfall about an hours drive to the south. the only map that we have showed the waterfall on the southern side of an east-west penninsula... the coastal road seemed to pass a few miles to the south of the falls so we decided to make our hike from the south...

once we started our hike we discovered two things:

1) koreans do not believe in switchbacks... the trails go STRAIGHT UP the mountain.
2) the waterfall is most easily accessed from the north... because there is a large mountain just to the south of the falls.

we made the first discovery rather quickly, but the second discovery was much more heartbreaking... we had barely made it up the 1200' altitude gain in 1.2km... the last thing we wanted to do was descend ANY AMOUNT AT ALL to get to the falls if it meant we would have to climb up again to get back to our car... it was quite a dilemma for a few minutes... we stood at the top of the peak looking down the path that curved over the edge and out of sight... no one wanted to say, 'let's go back' because we were already invested... no one wanted to say 'onward' because we had no idea how far down we would have to descend to the falls... finally we figured we had come this far already... and down we went.

the falls themselves were... well... pretty nice. the walk itself was beautiful... the last of the cherry blossoms are still clinging to the branches in the valley above the falls. it would have been nice to jump into the pool at the bottom, but apparently there are some fairly significant health related reasons not to.... so we didn't.

Jikso Falls

this is Colt as we emerged from the far side of the peak and got our first glimpse of the valley where our car was parked.

there was much rejoicing.

sunday is for SNDC, which is sunday night dinner club... this week, i cooked... usually we switch off, or it is potluck style... but this week i just cranked out four pizzas and a bunch of focaccia bread. someone else made a wicked sangria and yet another mustered a fierce salad.

good eats all around.
c'est la vie

Jikso Falls